Thursday, November 19, 2015

I'm lost

I'm lost.

I feel lost.

I feel like there's a lot of myself that I don't really know. I've forced myself to do so many things that I don't want to do because my life has been so fucked up for the past few years.

I didn't want to get married. I forced myself to marry someone that I loved out of an ultimatum. Did I love Josh? Yes. But did I want to be married? No. I rejected him the first time that he asked me and the next day, he broke up with me. It was heart breaking. I never felt that before. That because I said no that I would basically lose everything that I had loved. So I figured that I had to appeal to the feelings and emotions of him in order to keep him in my life. By doing things that I really did not want to do.

That was my mistake.

I didn't know that it would affect me so much later on. Even after the relationship between us ended and now that I have moved on, those effects still weigh on my mind. I feel like I need validation, that I'm doing a good job. Because if I'm not, then what am I here for?

Am I here for myself? Am I here for God? What is it?

I never wanted to be in the Optical Industry. I never wanted to continue to sell glasses. Yeah it was fun at first but I hate it. I hate talking to people who are just going to tell me no. They don't want this and they don't want that. At first, it was a great job. Selling glasses and making money. Making quite a bit of money that helped support me and mine for a long time and is still supporting me today. But I've always wanted to go back to school.

I think my feelings are this way because I lack education. I need to learn more things. I need to learn more about things.

I want to sing. I want to learn more about music. I want to sing more songs. I want to experiment with different styles of music and put it out there. I love r&b/pop/indie/classical music. I know a lot about music myself and I sing all the time. Unfortunately, I don't have any instruments to help me figure out certain songs that I like. I just want to sing.

I want to do photography. I want to learn about taking pictures and styling and directing. Learn about lighting and the Rule of 3rds and cameras. I want to learn how to set up certain stages that look appealing and beautiful and take pictures of them and post them for all the world to see.

I want to design graphics for advertising campaigns. I want to create digital pieces of art to help companies get their stories across. I love seeing creative visuals in magazines and on billboards and in stores. I would love to learn typography and doing layouts. I've always wanted to be an art director.

I want to be a music video director. Ever since I was young, whenever I would hear a song I had a music video playing in my head. I would have never seen the music video to a song before but I would play it in my head. When I would see the new music video I would always be like, "That's interesting but my idea was better."

I want to write. I want to write poetry, I want to write music. I want to write about my life and experiences. I want to write a book. I want people to be able to read what I give them and it inspire them to do the same things in their own way.

Most of all, I want to be happy. I want to be happy with myself and everything that I have to offer.

I guess the questions that I really have for myself is can I do it all? Can I do and be all of those things? Is it genuine? Would I be living my truth? Are those all my truths? How can I tell? Have I already been living those truths?

I should be able to do all of those things. Who says that I can't? Why can't I be a singer, photographer, graphic designer, director and writer? If I want to be all of those things, I should do it. If I fail at one thing, then I have another. There will always be another. It doesn't have to just be one thing. You can have multiple interests. You can do everything that you want to. God has given you all of these traits and abilities for you to use them. Not let them go to waste. You just have to try. That's the issue.

Do you want to try and be a singer, a photographer, a director, a writer?


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Maira Gall