I'm lost

I'm lost.

I feel lost.

I feel like there's a lot of myself that I don't really know. I've forced myself to do so many things that I don't want to do because my life has been so fucked up for the past few years.

I didn't want to get married. I forced myself to marry someone that I loved out of an ultimatum. Did I love Josh? Yes. But did I want to be married? No. I rejected him the first time that he asked me and the next day, he broke up with me. It was heart breaking. I never felt that before. That because I said no that I would basically lose everything that I had loved. So I figured that I had to appeal to the feelings and emotions of him in order to keep him in my life. By doing things that I really did not want to do.