Tuesday, May 31, 2016

A little ditty on Exceptions... and a SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

I've changed this blog around so many times, and I have changed it for all the wrong reasons. Now, this is just for myself. My personal life will be up on these pages from now until forever. I don't know if I will be posting as often as I did before, or if I will ever post again but now one thing is for sure. I am doing everything for the betterment of myself and what will make me happy. This is my journey into the Happiness Complex.

Now with that said, on the post!

It's gonna be pretty short today, just a thought that I was having in my head.

I feel like I'm everyone's exception but no one is mine! Or maybe not. (As you can see, I didn't put too much thought into this. It's all by how I feel people.)

With Josh, I felt like I was the exception because of all his relationships. He has in relationships with men and women. He has just had a lot of experience when it comes to that. Although, he didn't really know how to be my boyfriend. I was the longest of his relationships and we ended up getting married. I was with him for 6 years before we ended things, finally. I honestly felt like I was going to finish out my life with him. Oh man, I think I would be a very different person than who I am now if I was still with him.

With David, I felt that he was my savior. Like, I never ever ever would have thought to move in with a guy three days after meeting with him. From what he told me, he said pretty much the same thing. That he felt that same way about me. I think that's what brought on my love for him. It wasn't something that I could really come to terms with because it was so quick that I was confused. Could I really like or even love someone so soon? I was questioning myself  and second guessing how I fel so much that it ended up costing me the relationship.

Even though it didn't work out with me and David, it really was like the best part of 2015 for me. I look back now and I see just how much he has helped me and how I wish that I could just thank him for being that person that helped me see the light.

You know, as I'm writing this out, I'm recalling the movie "He's Just Not That Into You". I realized that it's the other way around. All of those people were my exceptions! I typically have a rule and for some stupid reason, I have added exceptions to those rules!

Josh was the exception for me because I never wanted to get married! I ended up being with him for over 6 years! Why? Because I wanted to see what it was like to be in a long term relationship. And I did that with him. I never thought I would do those things. I hated the concept of marriage because of my parents, but for some reason, I wanted to stick it out and see what would happen... to myself, to him, to the relationship. Now... I know exactly what DID happen. Do I want to experience it again? No. Would I get married again? I don't know... I'm not really sure. I'd definitely have to let my guard down. And let people in, but I'm not so sure about that just yet.

About David, this is so racist but IDGAF. Before I met David, I never thought that in my life I would date a black man. I don't know if it was a traumatic childhood with my stepdad being black and (in my mind) stealing my mom away from my dad, or if it's because I have always had bad experiences with black people always harassing me but it stems from something very deep inside of me that I have not figured out yet.

He was the exception. There was just this "je ne sais quoi" about him. The way he walked, talked, and carried himself. His values and motivation really attracted me to him. It was so inspiring and amazing to look up to. He really was my savior in many ways. I still miss him very dearly but I'm afraid to reach out to him. He has a new life that is going so well and I wish him the best but I just am scared of what he might do or say to me. We definitely did not leave on bad terms at all but it was just an odd and awkward situation. Oh well, what can I do? I could always just reach out and then see what happens afterwards or just leave it alone and never touch it again... they always say, you always get what you ask for. So if I look for positive vibes and kindness, that's what I shall receive right? Of course. We shall see, his birthday is coming up this month on the 26th. Maybe I'll just shoot him a Happy Birthday.

Anyways, I went on a tangent. that because of his skin color, I pre-maturely judged him. It's absolutely obvious my love for this man. I don't know how I could have ever come to where I'm at right now, had I not met him. He completely changed my opinion about dating and love, and that it transcends skin color. Now, I can't get enough! It seems like 70% of the men that I meet that I start to have an attraction to has been black... I'm not really looking at any pre-conceptions that I've had based on the outside of someone nowadays. So I'm very proud about myself for that. It's really opened my eyes.

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