Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Here we go again...

So, I am single again.

I've been single for about a month now.

David and I decided to end things about a month ago. He told me that we were on two different pages in two different books. He told me that he was were I am at and he understands how it was for him. He does not want to go back to that. I don't fully understand the concept of what he said but I think I have the gist of it.

What I think he means is that, I am in a place where I am observing and experiencing certain things in my life that are of a growing experience. He has already been there and done the growing and experiencing and maybe not all of it is something he wants to have to go through again. Again, this is just my opinion.

He told me that he didn't see me as the one. That he wanted me to keep going and working on myself.

Maybe I am falling back into a habit of codependency that he just does not like.

I can't really blame him for doing that.

It's just the way that life goes and I respect that he was upfront with me instead of stringing me along. That's what I love about him.

The concept of love scares me. I thought that I loved him. I don't know if it was just a situation where we ended up finding each other right at the time that we needed each other. We saved each other from the situation that we were in. And I fell in love with the idea of being in love with him. Or maybe it was one of those situations where I fell in love with my savior, because really he did.

We both came into each others lives for a purpose. Now that we have served our purpose it's time to move on. Well I think that maybe my purpose in his life has been served but I don't think that I am finished with him yet. He inspires me so much to be more in tune with how I used to be and the complete unlearning that I have to do from six years of a toxic relationship is gonna take some time.

Time, although, is a human construct. There really is no real sense of time. Time is a human construct. All there is is now. If you really stop and take a breath and think, you will notice that nothing is really going on. You are present. You are here and you are nowhere all at the same time. Think about that. Even when the world has so much going on all at once, when you stop at think about it, there is not real time other that what is now. Yesterday is over and tomorrow has not begun. All there is is the gift of the present.

Maybe I am not motivated enough in my professional life. He told me that he wants someone with passion in his life. I feel like I do, I have a lot of passion but I think that my mind is a puzzle that has been broken and had gotten  scattered around and he doesn't want to have to help me deal with picking the pieces up and putting them together. That is something I can only do on my own.

I've been having a lot of upstream thought lately. Especially about sex. Now I am a very sensual person. Sex is a big deal to me and I don't just give it away freely, so when I trust you to have me, it's a pretty big deal for me. I have only had sex with 10 people in my life. Now we did mess around a lot but we never had sex. I was too scared and wasn't too into it. I was just happy doing what we did and felt like that was enough for me. Towards the end I was thinking in my head that I wanted to finally do it with him... but it didn't last long enough for that to happen.

Maybe it was my subconscious telling me that I didn't really love him like that. It was more of an infatuation/idea of being in love type of thing. Almost like a rebound. But for some reason I had convinced myself that he was the one. I was actually happy with that.

Now I don't have it anymore. And it makes me feel a little empty inside.

I know that I should base my relationship's around sex and I really don't but that is a huge part of what fuels the passion in my relationship with someone. I absolutely love sex. I just don't love sex with strangers. I want one person whom I am comfortable with that loves me and that I love... or even just someone who I am comfortable around that we have a mutual understanding... Now I can't help but feel like I lost something.

There's also a feeling that I have gained something. Someone whom I know I can truly trust with everything, who is not afraid to tell me when I'm self destructing and will always remind me of who I really am. He saved me. He has shown me unconditional love.

He has shown me my true self. I know and have known that it was there all along. Somehow, I lost my way and got lost. And now that I am searching for myself, it has gotten dark.  He help me by shining his little flashlight in the direction of where I was. And slowly but surely, I am going and following that path. It scary because it's still dark and there's only little light. But I know I have to keep going if I want to find the person who I truly am. It reminds me of the post I had earlier about a dream that I had about my birthday. I was going down into a hotel that got darker and darker as I descending into the basement. It's a pretty interesting. You can read that here.

I think that's pretty much it for now. I feel better now that I have gotten some of that out. I still harbor a lot of feelings about him.

It also doesn't help that I am still scarred from my last relationship that ended in June. It's been a really rough few months.

Some of the positive things that have happened is I have rediscovered my love of singing and music again.

I have someone who is so supportive of me in everything that I want to do.

Someone who is encouraging me to be the best version of myself.

Someone who has helped me with the healing process of my last relationship.

Someone who is my truest and best friend.

I almost want to cry at how happy I am to say that.

But also I feel empty because it's not a person that I can share my happiness and joy with romantically. He doesn't feel the same way about me.

That's upstream... I'm feeling upstream...

I need to think more downstream... I'll get into that a little more later.

For now, I'm liberated. I am free to do what I want. I am free to work on my goals and achieving them. And there's a lot of goals that I have set up for myself for 2016.

Signing off.


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Maira Gall