Here we go again...

So, I am single again.

I've been single for about a month now.

David and I decided to end things about a month ago. He told me that we were on two different pages in two different books. He told me that he was were I am at and he understands how it was for him. He does not want to go back to that. I don't fully understand the concept of what he said but I think I have the gist of it.

What I think he means is that, I am in a place where I am observing and experiencing certain things in my life that are of a growing experience. He has already been there and done the growing and experiencing and maybe not all of it is something he wants to have to go through again. Again, this is just my opinion.

He told me that he didn't see me as the one. That he wanted me to keep going and working on myself.

Maybe I am falling back into a habit of codependency that he just does not like.

I can't really blame him for doing that.

It's just the way that life goes and I respect that he was upfront with me instead of stringing me along. That's what I love about him.

The concept of love scares me. I thought that I loved him. I don't know if it was just a situation where we ended up finding each other right at the time that we needed each other. We saved each other from the situation that we were in. And I fell in love with the idea of being in love with him. Or maybe it was one of those situations where I fell in love with my savior, because really he did.

We both came into each others lives for a purpose. Now that we have served our purpose it's time to move on. Well I think that maybe my purpose in his life has been served but I don't think that I am finished with him yet. He inspires me so much to be more in tune with how I used to be and the complete unlearning that I have to do from six years of a toxic relationship is gonna take some time.

Time, although, is a human construct. There really is no real sense of time. Time is a human construct. All there is is now. If you really stop and take a breath and think, you will notice that nothing is really going on. You are present. You are here and you are nowhere all at the same time. Think about that. Even when the world has so much going on all at once, when you stop at think about it, there is not real time other that what is now. Yesterday is over and tomorrow has not begun. All there is is the gift of the present.

Maybe I am not motivated enough in my professional life. He told me that he wants someone with passion in his life. I feel like I do, I have a lot of passion but I think that my mind is a puzzle that has been broken and had gotten  scattered around and he doesn't want to have to help me deal with picking the pieces up and putting them together. That is something I can only do on my own.

I've been having a lot of upstream thought lately. Especially about sex. Now I am a very sensual person. Sex is a big deal to me and I don't just give it away freely, so when I trust you to have me, it's a pretty big deal for me. I have only had sex with 10 people in my life. Now we did mess around a lot but we never had sex. I was too scared and wasn't too into it. I was just happy doing what we did and felt like that was enough for me. Towards the end I was thinking in my head that I wanted to finally do it with him... but it didn't last long enough for that to happen.

Maybe it was my subconscious telling me that I didn't really love him like that. It was more of an infatuation/idea of being in love type of thing. Almost like a rebound. But for some reason I had convinced myself that he was the one. I was actually happy with that.

Now I don't have it anymore. And it makes me feel a little empty inside.

I know that I should base my relationship's around sex and I really don't but that is a huge part of what fuels the passion in my relationship with someone. I absolutely love sex. I just don't love sex with strangers. I want one person whom I am comfortable with that loves me and that I love... or even just someone who I am comfortable around that we have a mutual understanding... Now I can't help but feel like I lost something.

There's also a feeling that I have gained something. Someone whom I know I can truly trust with everything, who is not afraid to tell me when I'm self destructing and will always remind me of who I really am. He saved me. He has shown me unconditional love.

He has shown me my true self. I know and have known that it was there all along. Somehow, I lost my way and got lost. And now that I am searching for myself, it has gotten dark.  He help me by shining his little flashlight in the direction of where I was. And slowly but surely, I am going and following that path. It scary because it's still dark and there's only little light. But I know I have to keep going if I want to find the person who I truly am. It reminds me of the post I had earlier about a dream that I had about my birthday. I was going down into a hotel that got darker and darker as I descending into the basement. It's a pretty interesting. You can read that here.

I think that's pretty much it for now. I feel better now that I have gotten some of that out. I still harbor a lot of feelings about him.

It also doesn't help that I am still scarred from my last relationship that ended in June. It's been a really rough few months.

Some of the positive things that have happened is I have rediscovered my love of singing and music again.

I have someone who is so supportive of me in everything that I want to do.

Someone who is encouraging me to be the best version of myself.

Someone who has helped me with the healing process of my last relationship.

Someone who is my truest and best friend.

I almost want to cry at how happy I am to say that.

But also I feel empty because it's not a person that I can share my happiness and joy with romantically. He doesn't feel the same way about me.

That's upstream... I'm feeling upstream...

I need to think more downstream... I'll get into that a little more later.

For now, I'm liberated. I am free to do what I want. I am free to work on my goals and achieving them. And there's a lot of goals that I have set up for myself for 2016.

Signing off.

Adrian

Friday Advice Column: L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-V-E!

Taken from Wikipedia:

Love is an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment.[1] In philosophical context, love is a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection. In some religious contexts, love is not just a virtue, but the basis for all being, as in the Christian phrase, "God is love" or Agape in the Canonical gospels.[2] Love may also be described as actions towards others (or oneself) based on compassion.[3] Or as actions towards others based on affection.[4]

Love to me is so many things. It's the way he looks at me in the morning. The way we laugh at each others jokes. The silence that arrives whenever we have nothing to say. The comfortableness of his presence whenever he is around. The look on his face when he tells me, "I love you." The way he fights with me. The irritation in his voice when I annoy him. It's so many things.

I feel like love is more than just a "strong affection and personal attachment". You can have strong affection for just about anyone. But love? Love is more than that to me. You can't really explain it.

Wen you are in love there are 3 some simple signs that show you how much you love your other half:

1. Affection: Love without affection is like a car without gas. Without affection, the fuel of your love life won't go anywhere. You need to have that initial affection that you felt when you first fell in love to last forever! It's really hard to keep that up but as long as you both know that you are working on being together than you are already on your way to a great relationship with yourself and your partner. A lot of the time people start fighting and it gets really bad. But it's a good thing. You know what gets on each others nerves and you feel that doing that will get you more attention from them. I know I do that sometimes. Or if you are just messing around and joking with each other and suddenly there's a misunderstanding and you fight. Or things get really ugly and you yell and scream and fight because you want to prove your point or you don't wanna back down. And sometimes you just feel so weak to that person because you are so vulnerable to the person you are in love with. It's a difficult situation, but you have to know that as long as both partners have that affection for each other. That WANT to be with your other half. That determination to work things out, then your relationship will blossom and you can get through any troubling situation you find yourself in.

2. Action and Initiation: This is a great key to keep your love life fresh and consistent. Taking action when something happens to your partner or your partner wants from you. It's such a great feel to provide and show that you are listening and it makes your partner feel great as well. Whenever you perform an action that is not pre-meditated is called Initiation and that goes a long way. Doing something for your partner when they least expect it is a great gesture to show them that you love them and are thinking about them even when your not together or talking. Not saying that sometimes people just don't like surprises, but you need to understand when your actions are wanted and needed. The things you do, reflect on how your relationship is progressing. If you don't do much with each other, it feels like your relationship is dwindling but you just need to find that something that will bring it back up again. Especially if you want to be in a relationship in the first places. Once you stop caring, there's no room for your relationship to grow. Even if efforts fail, you owe it to each other to keep working at it.

3. The Act of Pleasure: Sex and making love! Yes! Sex is one of the best ways to keep a relationship alive. You shouldn't base your relationship ON sex but it is a great outlet for your emotions and hormones. Making Love is a very intimate act that you get when you yearn for that person you love and you want to feel like a part of them and you want to feel them yearn for you as well. Sex is a great way to get down and dirty and sexy. Sex is such a great feeling that you can use to show the person that you are sexually attracted to them. Some people don't wanna just make love, they want to get their happiness, aggression out, their sexual frustration out, their lustfulness out, their stress out, and their creativity. A great way to keep your sex life "at attention" is to be creative. Missionary just doesn't cut it after the few 100 times, so try doggy style or on the sofa, or in the kitchen... Josh knows I love it everywhere around the house so get creative. You can use toys or whatever suits you are your partners needs and fantasies!

I hope that you guys will take into consideration my top 3 signs of Love! If you have any questions at all about anything, just email me or comment below! Have a wonderful friday! =]

Falling in Love: The story of how I met my husband Part 1

It was the end of 2008. I had just moved to Texas from Arizona. I was staying with my cousin in her house in which we agreed I could stay in until I found a job and got enough money to find a place on my own.

So a couple of months after I moved. I met Josh on MySpace. I don't remember how we became friends on there. But i'm pretty sure that he added me first. So let's just go with that. Anyways, we started talking a little bit. I had already met a guy but it was a bust because he wasn't looking for anything serious. I was. I really wanted to come to Texas and start over.

In Arizona, I had my fair share of dating and relationship with guys. Some were just silly little flings and then very few were actually relationships. I really tried but it seemed like Tucson was just too small a city. Seriously. It was like everyone knew everyone. Which I disliked a lot. I wanted someone whom wasn't with anyone else that I knew. Or cheated on me with one of my friends. So that was a fraction of the reason I moved to Texas as well.

I still had some guys numbers that I would occasionally talk to. Mostly if I felt lonely and/or horny I did. But I always felt guilty after talking/texting/webcamming with them. I know, it's trashy but I didn't know anyone in Texas and I hadn't had sex in literally 2 years so I did everything I could to keep me sexually satisfied.

Josh and I started exchanging messages on MySpace for a couple of weeks. He would flirt with my by posting inappropriate song lyrics as subjects of messages we were sending to each other, and I didn't know that they were songs so I just said some inappropriate things back! That was our way of flirting with each other I guess.

So maybe I want to say 2 months pass by and we are still talking on MySpace. We exchanged numbers but he didn't have a cell phone so he would use his moms to text me and his house phone to call.

I remember that I was really nervous when I first talked to him, although I tried to play it off cool. It was really nice hearing his voice. We talked all night and fell asleep on the phone to each other. I really started connecting with this guy and I felt like he was connecting with me. It was really nice.

Then one day, it was Easter of 2009. I had just gotten home from our Filipino-American get together Easter party whatever thing at the park and, of course, Josh and I were texting. He then texts me that he wants some candy. I tell him I don't know any but he tells me that it was just an excuse for him to tell me that he wanted me to come over.

I was so ecstatic at this, yet extremely nervous. I was scared to actually meet him face-to-face. So I put some candy in my pocket and left to ge see him. I really wanted to take that chance...

Fridays Advice Column: Should couples get married after admitting to cheating?

My husbands cousin posted this question as her Facebook status. To which I responded:

As long as both of you want to work on it and want to keep going with your relationship then yes. You never know if they are gonna do it or not. Whoever will tell you what they want to say to keep you happy, but you need to be able want to ...take the risk! You never know until it happens, or doesn't! And hopefully it doesn't! You should most definitely put things aside and talk about it beforehand. It's a very delicate subject and it goes beyond just loving each other. You don't want to waste your time with someone who isn't going make you happy and you shouldn't go into a marriage with a cloud over your head, it's not fair to either of you. You have to blindly go into it knowing that you are gonna try your hardest to work through it.

I agree with myself... I also added:

I say Forgive but DON'T forget. You shouldn't forget mistakes that has happened. But it also shouldn't give you the right to throw it in their face. That's how you push people away. It's still there but if they get married then they moved p...ast it but you don't ever bring it up again. That's what helps you gain trust back, and that how your partner knows that you are in it for the long run and are trying to trust them more by not bringing up their mistakes. It's just one huge mind-fuck but you have to be in it to win it, there's nothing you can't work through!

What do you guys think? Marriage is a very touchy subject. My marriage definitely has had it's up and downs but we work through it. If not marriage, what about a relationship? Do you think that people should stay together after admitting to cheating?

New Layout! Inspiration is hard to find.

As a lot of you guys know, inspiration is one of the hardest things to come by. Most people spend days, weeks, months, years looking for inspiration and it's so hard to come by it most of the time. Some people can come up with anything and work off of that and inspiration will come naturally. Unfortunately for me, I try to find inspiration, but it just never comes! I have to be super vulnerable or sad or just over emotional for something to come to me. It sucks really. Maybe sometimes, it'll come out of nowhere and I'll write a song in less than 10 minutes. Isn't that crazy? I think so.

Well, I put up a new layout for my blog. It is a small little banner that someone made for me. If you have been to my YouTube Channel you would recognize it. I like it and decided to put it as the background.

I'm not very good with designing websites. When I was younger, I was all into that and I would design many things but then I just lost touch with it when I moved around a lot. I wish I knew how to do it. I mean, I know what I want from my blog and my website but I feel like I just cannot muster up the creativity to fix it up. I just do not have that ability to do that.

I'm trying to think of a niche for my blog. I know that I don't want to really just limit myself to one thing and go about my life just working off of it. I feel that's too constricting of my talents. But I do need something that I can focus on and write about that people will come back too. It seems as if i'm just writing randomly and life is just changing too much for me to put everything I want to down into a blog. So I just need to focus on smaller things. What should I write about more often?

- Weight Loss, Dieting, Health and Exercising
- Dating, Relationships and being married
- Music, Singing and tips on singing
- Arts, and Crafts, mostly crocheting
- Recipes
- Technology, phones, software, computers
- Reviews on books
- Fashion